Quick Update

Seems she has changed her mind about becoming friends, stating that we would be ‘bad friends’ I don’t know what exactly is a bad friend but I sure as hell am not a bad friend.
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Grey’s Anatomy Philosophy Part III

In life we’re taught that there are seven deadly sins.  We all know the big ones… gluttony, pride, lust.  But the thing you don’t hear much about is anger.  Maybe it’s because we think anger is not that dangerous, that you can control it.  My point is, maybe we don’t give anger enough credit.  Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think.  After all, when it comes to destructive behavior, it did make the top seven.

Grey’s Anatomy Part II

Nobody’s memory is perfect or complete.  We jumble things up.  We lose track of time.  We are in one place, then another and it all feels like one long inescapable moment.  It’s like my mother used to say: ‘The carousel never stops turning.’ …

They say we can repress our memories.  I wonder if we’re just keeping them safe somewhere because no matter how painful they are, they are our most powerful possessions.  They made us who we are.

Warning: May contain a rant.

So she was in work all day.

I haven’t read it properly but I do forgive you I understand it was horrible for you and I was a bit of a t***.  We can try and be friends at some point.

I dunno whether her not reading it properly is a good or is it better if she had thrown it away.  I spent all day writing that letter and for her to not even bother reading it properly is in a way more hurtful, I poured my heart and soul into that letter and for her just to skim over it. . . Continue reading

Things aren’t what they use to be. .

I have never felt as worried about waiting than I have been while waiting to see if this girl will give me any response to the letter I wrote her (pretty sure the last time I was this worried was getting my A-Level results back in 2005)

Is it paranoia that I am so anxious about not hearing anything, there could of been various reason to why she hasn’t replied: Continue reading

some random blurb about my life.

I have been living with Bi-polar disorder for many years.  Normally I try not to let it affect my life too much, but occasionally it will.  This is what happened last week, when I had what can be described as a psychotic break.  It has been several years since I experienced something vaguely like that, but normally when I become volatile it has been due to some kind of substance, for example alcohol.  Last week, I can only really conclude this break was due to stress, stress from worrying about my relationship ending, I guess I was trying to wrack my brain trying to find a solution to it.  Drinking (obviously) did no good to my mental health, but I thought it was the only way to make me feel nothing. Continue reading

Grey’s Anatomy Philosophy

I always said I’d be happier alone.  I’d have my work, my friends… But someone in your life all the time?  More trouble than it’s worth.  Apparently, I got over it.  There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone.  It wasn’t cause I thought because I’d be happy alone.  It was because I thought if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it.  It’s easier to be alone.  Because what if you learn that you need love.  And then you don’t have it.  What if you like it?  And lean on it?  What if you shape your life around it?  And then… it falls apart.  Can you even survive that kind of pain?  Losing love is like organ damage.  It’s like dying.  The only difference is – death ends.  This?  It could go on forever.

This is what I wrote her. . .

Dear Maria,

I hope you will actually take some time to read this and not throw it away in the bin.

I’m nervous about asking you to forgive me. I’m sure that you’ve suffered a great deal because of me, and asking for forgiveness is so much to ask from you. I also know that you might find it hard to believe my promise that I will learn from my mistake and never repeat it. I truly never want to put our relationship on the line again. I hope you can believe that. Continue reading

Finding some inner peace.

After I got a long text the other week about what my now ex girlfriend about what she wanted to do with her life.  Now I thought about what I wanted to do in the future.
I want to:

  • see the Aurora Borealis
  • kayaking with whales
  • cycle across Europe
  • take part in the WOW CYCLOTHON
  • cycle along the Great Wall of China
  • stand on both sides of the equator
  • whale watching in general
  • go to visit hot springs in Iceland
  • watch the All Blacks play live
  • go deep sea fishing
  • randomly go hunting
  • shoot a gun
  • to have a family
  • see Rammstein live

I’m sure some of those on the list is boring and offset the more exciting aspects, but these are the ones that I can remember off the top of my head.