This is what I wrote her. . .

Dear Maria,

I hope you will actually take some time to read this and not throw it away in the bin.

I’m nervous about asking you to forgive me. I’m sure that you’ve suffered a great deal because of me, and asking for forgiveness is so much to ask from you. I also know that you might find it hard to believe my promise that I will learn from my mistake and never repeat it. I truly never want to put our relationship on the line again. I hope you can believe that.

I am sorry. I don’t want you to think that I’m saying those words lightly. I really mean them. I am so sorry. I know that what I did was wrong and I know that it hurt you deeply. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I do know that I never wanted to hurt you. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. All I can do is try to show you how much I regret what I’ve done and ask for your forgiveness.

Everyday I remember the look on your face and in your eyes once I overstepped the line while drunk. You didn’t need to say anything, anyway, because I saw it all in your eyes–betrayal, disillusionment, revulsion. In that moment, I just wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere and hide, in fact several days later I still am horrified with my actions when I look back. But now that I understand the gravity of what I’ve done, my actions have filled me with self-loathing and remorse. It’s difficult for me to look in the mirror and I’m not proud of the woman I see there when I do. But I am trying to turn myself around and become a better person.

I have no excuse for what happened and saying “I’m sorry” hardly seems adequate. But if you could forgive me this time, I promise you this will never happen again. Both the suffering that I’ve caused you and the misery I feel now show me that breaking my word causes too much damage to both of us to ever want to do it again. Whatever selfish gratification I thought I’d gain by my foolish act has disappeared like a wisp of cloud under the noonday sun. All that remains is guilt and a stronger resolve to be not only the woman you want me to be, but to be the woman that I want myself to be, “someone who doesn’t decide to drown their sorrows in vodka, someone who…… doesn’t think…. it’s fun to hurl insults at you while you just take them all.

I know it may be difficult to believe right now, but I really do love you and have honestly never loved anyone else. In the past few months, we’ve become so much a part of each other’s lives that I really can’t imagine my life without you anymore. I don’t think it would benefit either one of us to give up on this relationship yet because we’ve both invested so much of ourselves into it already and our good times have far outnumbered the bad. What few problems we’ve had in the past have been minor and we’ve been able to work through them with very little trouble.

I would give anything to pick up where we left off–just doing normal-ish things like coming to visit you (I always looked forward to booking my train tickets to see you and watching the date get nearer), watching you play rugby, having cuddles on the couch while attempting to watch a film, making pancakes and listening to what happened during your day. I want to go climbing and camping with you in new and interesting places.

I am more than willing to give you your space but I am kind of hoping that maybe I can see you once in a while, and I do hope that in several months time we could try again if you are willing to.

I know I’m really expecting a lot to ask you to continue making plans with me, but the alternative is too painful to even consider. Please remember all the good times we’ve had already, as well as all the good times that are still out there waiting for us to discover. I promise you a faithful companion who has learned her lesson and is more determined than ever to make you happy and stand by and support you as long as you will have her.

I am so deeply, deeply, deeply sorry for hurting you like this. And I will spend the rest of my life telling you that, I will apologise to you everyday if that’s what you need, but please, please don’t walk away.

I can only hope…


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