some random blurb about my life.

I have been living with Bi-polar disorder for many years.  Normally I try not to let it affect my life too much, but occasionally it will.  This is what happened last week, when I had what can be described as a psychotic break.  It has been several years since I experienced something vaguely like that, but normally when I become volatile it has been due to some kind of substance, for example alcohol.  Last week, I can only really conclude this break was due to stress, stress from worrying about my relationship ending, I guess I was trying to wrack my brain trying to find a solution to it.  Drinking (obviously) did no good to my mental health, but I thought it was the only way to make me feel nothing.

Maybe I just worked myself up too much worrying about it that it caused a psychotic break.  But I guess it was a bad time for me to have a breakdown in front of someone I love.  As a result, I spent four days (out of five) being irrationally angry, verbally abusive, paranoia, anxiety, crying (although that started several days earlier but I digress), not wanting to eat, suicidal/self harm thoughts.  I got stressed by the indecisiveness of it all, how can someone say that they can’t wait to see me and cuddle me, then eight hours later be all ‘I want an open relationship’,

I can’t tell what I should be thinking or what I am actually am thinking, my heart is pounding, I feel like my stomach is tying itself in knots.  I sent a letter trying to salvage whatever I had left, part of me is panicking that the letter got there today and she just threw it away without a second thought, and then the (rational) other part of me is saying that she is getting the letter tomorrow (Thursday) and either will throw it away, ignore me, or maybe send me a letter back or text.  If she does indeed do the latter I still have to brace myself for the potential rejection.  My heart is in two different places, yes I would like to get back together with her one way or another but on the other hand I will probably be able to accept that it is over and move on.

I realise that this post is very disjointed and rambling.  It is difficult for me to articulate what I’m thinking and how I am feeling.

Being told by a nurse that if I don’t start eating and taking my medication, I will collapse and be hospitalised and would probably end up being involuntarily institutionalised under the Mental Health Act still isn’t making me eat or take my medication.  I know both are a big deal, but when I feel so much self hatred and self loathing it is hard to even attempt to take care of yourself.

*Thoughts of suicide/self harm is always a daily occurrence for me, although during this psychotic break I just got so, so tired of fighting them and they were just getting so tempting.   I end up just getting so low, I feel like I should commit suicide but then what I guess is my impulse control kicks in because suicide isn’t actually solving anything, however tempting it may be, in fact it would probably just cause more problems for people around me, I know that it would break my parents if I actually went through with it.

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I think writing these things down gives a form of clarity, and also possibly some logic.

Some people I know have said I was in an abusive relationship, while not verbal or physical, but instead psychological.  I still insist that she was just indecisive but to be honest I am not entirely sure if that is true. . .

I put up a strong facade but underneath it all I have such low self esteem/self worth.

But every day I try to reclaim myself from my illness, I won’t let it conquer me, even if it is baby steps I will get through this.


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